NOTES ON A CRUSH
(this is from last week)

DAILY you allow yourself to think, to consider, to hope that (the object of your desire) will come to you.

The crush flows against life's inherent spontaneity. Despite the belief we cling to that "there is always hope", the situation will not improve. If it was going to happen it would have already.

The sight of another lightheartedly flirting with (the object of your desire) is more fearsome than death. And you have about as much power over it.

As you near the lowest levels of misery, there eventually comes the step of deliberately revealing the obsession to (the object of your desire). Here begines the full-on reversal of fortune. This is when things really begin to turn downwards.

Ther anger, frustration, and impotence you feel in her presence begin to form on your face a gruesome mask that you can't take off. When you catch the eye of (the oject of your desire), you attempt to be friendly, sweet and non-oppressive, but this only causes the mask to contort even more hideously.. This mask is chained to your head for the duration of the crush.

Finally you reach the decision to remove yourself entirely from the presence of (the object of your desire). Like a broken-hearted young man who enlists in a faraway bush-war in order to escape the maddening obsession over a woman. In the instant you say your heroe's goodbye; this is the moment of dignity which you will pay for with your life. you will the most certainly see something in her eyes that makes you hesitate and wonder if she wouyld rather you stay.

But it's too late. It was too late before it even started.